Back to church

I went to church this morning again. The first time I've gone on my own in about 3 months or so. I've gone maybe twice in that time, but it has only been when I have been home for the weekend, and then only because my family expects it.

This has been a difficult issue for me. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a non denominational evangelical Christian church. I was born again at the age of 6 and attended church all through high school. I actually had a close relationship with God during that time. Of course being the evangelical Christians, we learned that being gay was sinful in God's eyes and that it was an inappropriate choice to make as far as lifestyle. I started really suspecting that I might be gay during my senior year in high school. I of course didn't really believe that it was true. I mean, how could a born again Christian be gay. It was against everything that I had been taught and believed in my heart. I just ignored it for awhile, thinking it was a phase I would grow out of.

After high school I attended college at a well respected, private, evangelical university. I again started struggling with the thought of being gay. I went to chapel three days a week, was involved in prayer groups and bible studies, had awesome Christian friends, but I still couldn't manage to shake this "gay thing" I had going on. I prayed daily that God would heal me from this supposed disease I had. I actually went through a short period of time where I felt that I had everything under control, but I was really just deceiving myself. I would still find myself looking discreetly at the hot boys in my classes or who I passed in the halls. Why are boys so much hotter when you know you can't have them. Here I was at a Christian university surrounded by hot guys who I had no chance of ever doing anything with. I managed to have a girlfriend all through college, my last relationship went from the beginning of junior year until the beginning of the second year of med school three years later. Towards the end of undergrad I actually felt myself gradually distancing myself from God. I stopped having my bible studies, stopped going to church every Sunday, stopped praying regularly. No one knew what was going on, at least I doubt that anyone did. Just chalk everything up to the fact that he is carrying 21 credits, working 20 hours a week, applying for medical school and attempting to have a social life. That is what everyone was thinking.

During medical school I again attempted to grow my relationship with God. I found an awesome AOG church which I still love to this day. AOG is part of the Pentecostal movement, I'm talking hands raised, dancing during worship, praise Jesus type of church. I loved being a part of this. I thought that this time my prayers would be answered, God would heal me, I could find a nice girl, get married, have kids and just do everything that I was supposed to do. It was during this time that I broke up with my last girlfriend, knowing that we weren't right for each other and would never get married even if I was straight.

God still hasn't "fixed me" and I hated him for that. I got back here after spending the first three years of medical school away and basically stopped going to church. Nothing to do with God for quite some time. I'm getting to the point now where I want to try again. Not to have God fix me, I think I'm finally coming to terms that there is nothing to fix, I'm just as God made me. I just feel like I'm missing something. I want to be part of a church where I can raise my hands during worship, where I can see everyone else truly enjoying the fact that they can come and worship.

The problem is that I was part of that for a long time and I know how they feel about gays. I worry that I will never be able to be a part of that again and I will forever have a part of me that feels empty. I have tried one or two of the more liberal churches, but something just doesn't feel right to me. It's not that there is anything wrong with the people there, but it's just not the same. I truly believe that God has saved me and that I will go to heaven, I am born again, but because I am gay it seems that I will never be accepted in the Pentecostal, evangelical circles that I spent so many years in.

I refuse to believe that I can't be a Christian an be gay. I refuse to believe that I can't be "saved" because I still lead a "sinful gay lifestyle". I refuse to believe that I will never find a church community to be part of. I refuse to believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am really not that emotional of a guy. I keep everything under control and have the typical "straight guy" demeanor. No matter how bravely I talk though, this issue has me a bit worried. Really, I think it makes me want to cry.