Last night

I went on a date last night. It wasn't with a guy though. It was with the girl I ended up making out with a few months back. About the middle of the week after that evening, she called and asked if I wanted to get some coffee sometime. I was a little reluctant at first but eventually said that we could meet at a Caribou Coffee near where she lives. I had met her once before and she seemed like a nice girl, someone I would most likely have as one of my friends.

I started this knowing exactly what I was doing. I knew I was gay, but at the same time I was holding on to a fading ideal that had me married to a woman, having kids, etc. I thought I could try one last time to make a straight relationship work. It seemed like it was something I had to at least try lest I spend the rest of my life wondering if I had missed something. Had God placed this woman into my life at that specific moment to lead me down a different path? A path that would lead me to "happiness" and away from being gay? Could I really have just been going through a phase where I thought I was attracted to men?

We've spent some time together since then; alone and with our mutual friends. We spent last weekend up north and had a wonderful time. Last night was even great. We hung out at home for a while, went out for Chinese, came home to watch a movie and then just hung out some more. The conversation wasn't the least bit forced, we have quite a bit in common and enjoy each other's company. I could see myself settling down with her, even though we've only known each other these few short months. Looking over at her on the couch I couldn't help but wish that she was actually a he.

Since our first passionate make out session a while back we have had no additional intimacy. No kissing, no cuddling on the couch, no real hand holding to speak of. We've hugged hello and goodbye which is the extent of our physical contact. This has everything to do with me and should be a clue to me as to where my true feelings lie. I have kept stumbling forward with this pseudo-relationship, not willing to let it die because that would mean finally admitting to myself that whatever thread of straightness I was hanging onto had disappeared. I can't help but wonder if she doesn't suspect that there is something more to me than meets the eye.

I really can't keep up this charade much longer. While I enjoy spending time with this girl, I know with near perfect certainty that there is no romantic future for us. It's not fair of me to let her think otherwise any longer. It may not have ever been fair to use her in this capacity without her knowledge. I had to know for myself though that I had given myself every opportunity to live up to the standard that is expected of me. I needed this not only for my family and friends, but moreso for me.

I have become quite attached to this girl over the last couple months. During this entire process I have never intended to hurt her. I need to let her know the truth. This scares the hell out of me. I feel as though I owe her something and need to be as forthcoming as possible when we talk. This would include telling her I am gay. I'm afraid of her reaction. I expect anger and disappointment. I'm not sure if I could deal with resentment, bitterness and a potential end to our friendship. She will also be only the second person I've told I was gay. If everything goes poorly there is nothing to stop her from telling our mutual friends what is going on in my life. I'm not yet sure I am ready to tell the entire world my secret. I guess that in this situation I'll just have to play my hand and let the cards fall as they will.

Part of me regrets ever accepting the invitation to coffee. I could have nipped this in the bud then and not be in this situation now. On the other hand this had brought me to a stronger conviction about what I feel and has the potential to at least get the ball rolling for me. I think that I've developed a rapport strong enough with her that no matter how disappointed she is, she will keep my confidence. My more pragmatic side thinks that the reality of the situation is she is going to be pissed. She has every right. In other words anything could happen.

I'm sort of at a loss, does anyone else have any ideas?