Thinking

I hung out with a few friends last evening decorating for Christmas. Well, I basically just sat around and talked with 2 others and the 3 of us watched the 4th decorate for Christmas, but close enough. One of my good friends from high school apparently is really into the Christmas spirit. His wife basically tolerates it and stays out of the way while everything is going up. I did help with the tree a bit, but that was only to help straighten the dang thing out. It was leaning about 30 degrees to one side making it look quite sad.

This is the same group that I have spent a fair amount of time with in the past few months, so my sort of pseudo girl friend was there as well. She and I went out for Chinese while the other two went out with the family for a birthday. Then we all reconvened at the house to finish putting up the tree. I am conflicted at the moment about what I should do. I love doing things like this with this group of friends but I feel like I'm lying to them every time we get together. Part of me does not want to tell this girl what is going on because I am worried that I am going to lose this. A much larger part of me realizes that this is incredibly selfish and is a totally inappropriate way to think. Sure, they all might be hurt when they find out, this girl especially, but I don't think that they will cut me out of their lives completely. I might have to endure spending quite a bit less time with them for awhile, but that is the price I have to pay for doing what I've done.

Am I overreacting? Are people really going to freak out and be pissed at me as much as I am expecting? I almost feel as though my fears are irrational, yet I can't seem to get rid of them.

I am contemplating telling her this weekend. Just writing that has almost doubled my heart rate. I'm not sure I am actually ready yet, but if I think too much about it I doubt I will every feel truly ready. I've been thinking some about the timing. A couple weeks ago it was her birthday, this past week was thanksgiving. We now have 4 weeks until Christmas. I feel as though I need to do this before Christmas and I really can't wait too much longer otherwise I'll have to worry about another holiday. I'm not sure exactly what to do. Anyone?

Man, the things I get myself into.