The vote

I voted today. By absentee ballot. I’m pretty sure that I haven’t voted by anything other than absentee ballot since my first election in 1998. I actually liked only 1 candidate on the entire ticket, the incumbent governor. The other guy running for governor drives me completely nuts. I honestly can’t imagine having him as my governor. Not only is he vicious and vindictive, but he probably has the worse PR ability of any politician I have ever seen. On the flip side, I don’t agree with everything that the incumbent has done. I would have liked to see him actually improve some of the transit options here. I would have even been willing to pay a bit more in a gas tax to improve roads and transit; however, he vetoed that particular bill. Overall though, I think he was a fantastic governor and I hope that he is able to serve another term.

It will be very interesting to see if this election “wave” that is being hyped in the news comes to pass. There is a high likelihood that the democrats will take at least the house this time around. I’m less inclined to think that they will take the senate, but you never know what might happen. The political blogs I read are split on the issue. The blogs I read tend to be more conservative in nature and even some of them are predicting a democrat takeover. It could be an exciting week.

I used to be of what is now considered a typical conservative Christian mind. Good Christians can ONLY be republican. How could you even consider agreeing with an evil democrat? I have definitely changed my mind on this issue. It’s pretty obvious that there is really not any logic at all in that thought process. I still consider myself a Republican, though I am much more moderate than all of my family and some of my friends. I honestly have no problem with the prospect of the democrats taking over the house or even the senate. It might bring about a little change and some accountability. I believe that power has gone to the republicans’ head and they need some time to reassess what they actually stand for. That is just my humble opinion of course.

There is a book I want to read called “The Myth of a Christian Nation - How the Quest for Political Power is Destroying the Church” by Greg Boyd. He shows how Jesus never really got involved in politics. He explains why he believes that evangelical Christians have been co-opted by the Republicans and how good morals have become synonymous with the Republican party only. From what I understand, that basic premise is that God is apolitical and that while we should be involved in the political process, religion and politics don't mesh. There are so many issues to work out that gay marriage and abortion should not be the only ones we focus on. He gave a sermon about this last year and 1000 people, or 1/5 of his congregation left. I also had a class from him at my undergrad before he left to devote himself full time to his pastorate. The class was amazing; this guy is an amazing speaker. It definitely sounds like an interesting book. I just wish I had more time to read books like that.

I probably shouldn’t blog about politics. It’s just liable to get me in trouble. Feel free to disagree with anything you read. I won’t hold it against you. I’m usually fairly vocal about my opinions, but I won’t begrudge you yours.

New Rotation

I began ENT today. I started the day at 7:30 in the OR. It was definitely good to be back. We start again tomorrow morning at 7:15, but then the rest of the day will be spent in the office. I think that it will be an interesting rotation. The doc that I am with seems like a good teacher. He did give me three different topics to read about this evening which I have finally finished. I'm sure he is expecting a report tomorrow morning in the OR so I'll have to review again before I leave. Despite the fact that he is going to keep me busy I think I will enjoy ENT.

One side note. What is up with the weather in the crazy state? It was 68 degrees when I got home from work this afternoon. Nice enough to wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt for my run. It's now 9:00 and the temp has dropped to 39 degrees, 20 with the windchill. Man, if I didn't truly love this state . . .

Recovered

I have finally recovered (mostly) from the virus that had me down this past week. I began eating food again on Saturday. Chips and hummus. I know, I'm not usually one who eats a lot of hummus, my roommate had it out for lunch and I decided I had to start somewhere. Back to eating pretty much anything now, though things that are very cold still hurt a bit.

Back to running tomorrow. It's getting cold here, we're talking in the thirties for highs, so it's about time to think about heading back indoors for the winter. I walked down to the gym in my apartment today to check out the treadmill and elliptical machines. I have to make sure there is a place to put my ipod while I am running, I'm not a fan of holding the thing while I run. I have a radio transmitter that I use when I run outside in the summer, but the reception is too poor to use inside.

I finished my Rheumatology rotation on Friday. I ended up liking it quite a bit more that I had originally expected. That is always a nice surprise. The same thing happened in my GI rotation. I can't say that I expect that actually do a fellowship in Rheum, but it is definitely in the running. I'll have to make that decision next year sometime. I begin an ENT rotation tomorrow morning. I am meeting that doc at 7:30. He is in surgery tomorrow so originally I was going to be with a different department, but he is doing a parotidectomy and he wanted me to see it. It's a rather rare surgery so I most likely wouldn't see another in the 2 weeks that I have there. It's been awhile since I've been in the OR, but I'm excited to go back. I loved my general surgery rotation, though I can't see myself actually being a surgeon. It's just fun to cut on people and then sew them up. Man, I'm almost getting the shivers now just thinking about it. Don't worry, I am still completely sane. Pretty much any med student would give you the same reaction.

I talked to my mom for a bit this weekend. She really wants me to start dating. I wrote a little about this earlier. Last time I had hung out with one of my college friends they had said they had a girl they wanted to set me up with. She's cute, Christian, was a business major, is into finance, likes to run, basically has a lot of the qualities that I would like. I was starting my third year of medical school and was going to leave the state, so obviously I didn't want to start anything that would immediately turn into a long distance relationship. Anyway, I told me mom this and she brought it up again this weekend. "What about that girl that Paul wanted to set you up with? She sounded really nice. There is just something about spending time with someone of the opposite sex. Someone to go out to eat with, go to a movie with, just talk to. That's all I want for you Drew." I know that she just wants the best for me. I'm sure she sees that I really am lonely at times. Sure I have a roommate and am able to do stuff with my friends, but I agree, it's not quite the same.

I've been single now for a little over 2 years. This is since I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. Since then I've basically lived in three different state so it has always been easy to say that I didn't want to start anything since I really never knew where I was going to be in the coming months. Part of me really did mean it as well. I also was using it as an excuse to stay out of a relationship. I had to decide whether I was going to pursue finding a wife, what everyone still expects of me, or starting dating guys. I've come much nearer to the conclusion that I will be with a guy for the rest of my life, though this still sometimes scares me. I can just see how everything would be so much simpler if I was straight and started dating women again. It would be easy to go back to that world, though I'm not sure if I would ever truly be happy or if it would be fair to my wife. The thought of coming out still scares the hell out of me for many reasons. Some reasons are stupid, some are your typical reasons and some are because of the life and family I had back home. I'll elaborate more some other time. It would be so easy to be what everyone expects of me, but I'm just not sure I can be happy while making everyone else happy.

This is a really random post. I've had a lot of different things go through my mind this week. I'm just excited to start a new week tomorrow. Tomorrow is a day of running. Everything is always better when I run.

Random

Let's start with the good. I received another invitation to interview at a second hospital here in my current city. I also got my absentee ballot today as I won't be driving the 65 miles or so back home to vote and I don't want to reregister here and stand in line to vote. Don't worry, I'm still a student so it's all legal since home is still my permanent address.

Now the bad. I've been sick since Sunday. It started with a twinge of a headache and some chills. I eventually (think 2 am) braved the mild nausea and risked some excedrin. The sore throat began Monday. Laid around all day Monday. Still had a sore throat Tuesday but went to work anyway. Nasty white patches on tonsils, but still convinced it's a virus since there was no strep exposure, I'm a bit old and it's not quite the right season yet. Basically I just didn't want to see a doctor. They say we make the worst patients. This morning I was up again from 2 am to 3:30 am. Had to wait for more excedrin to kick in. Between this point and 6 am when I got up again, my uvula swelled to about 3 times its normal size. Damn swollen, red, good for nothing uvula. On the up side some of the nasty white patches from the tonsils have disappeared. Throat still hurts like hell though. Maybe tomorrow things will be even better.

This all leads to my confession. I've been so busy/stressed lately that I have been eating like shit and alas, not running. I know, I should make time, I usually do. As soon as my uvula is back to normal size things are going to change fast. I almost never get sick which I attribute to running and my mostly decent diet. Jump off the train and all hell breaks loose.

Who in the hell gets a swollen uvula anyway?!

Another first

Roger Federer became the first man to win 10 titles in 3 consecutive years after taking the Madrid Masters. I love this guy. First of all, I think that he is just too damn adorable. He has to be one of the nicest and least cocky pro players out there at the moment. Not only that but he is an amazing tennis player. I would love to meet him someday, of course my crush on him would probably prevent anything even remotely coherent or intelligent from leaving my mouth, but who cares.

I absolutely love tennis. My dad got me hooked when I was younger. I remember sitting for hours watching the ball go back and forth, attempting to learn all the rules. Everything makes sense one you spend a little time in the sport, but in the beginning I remember thinking, who in the hell keeps score by counting 15, 30, 40?

I have plans in the future to go to all the grand slam tournaments in person. I was in England this summer while Wimbledon was going on, but didn't make it to the All England Club. Definitely in the future though. My only regret is that by the time I finish residency and fellowship and actually have time to go to these events, all my current favorites could very well be retired. I can always fantasize that I will someday meet Roger though.

Back to church

I went to church this morning again. The first time I've gone on my own in about 3 months or so. I've gone maybe twice in that time, but it has only been when I have been home for the weekend, and then only because my family expects it.

This has been a difficult issue for me. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a non denominational evangelical Christian church. I was born again at the age of 6 and attended church all through high school. I actually had a close relationship with God during that time. Of course being the evangelical Christians, we learned that being gay was sinful in God's eyes and that it was an inappropriate choice to make as far as lifestyle. I started really suspecting that I might be gay during my senior year in high school. I of course didn't really believe that it was true. I mean, how could a born again Christian be gay. It was against everything that I had been taught and believed in my heart. I just ignored it for awhile, thinking it was a phase I would grow out of.

After high school I attended college at a well respected, private, evangelical university. I again started struggling with the thought of being gay. I went to chapel three days a week, was involved in prayer groups and bible studies, had awesome Christian friends, but I still couldn't manage to shake this "gay thing" I had going on. I prayed daily that God would heal me from this supposed disease I had. I actually went through a short period of time where I felt that I had everything under control, but I was really just deceiving myself. I would still find myself looking discreetly at the hot boys in my classes or who I passed in the halls. Why are boys so much hotter when you know you can't have them. Here I was at a Christian university surrounded by hot guys who I had no chance of ever doing anything with. I managed to have a girlfriend all through college, my last relationship went from the beginning of junior year until the beginning of the second year of med school three years later. Towards the end of undergrad I actually felt myself gradually distancing myself from God. I stopped having my bible studies, stopped going to church every Sunday, stopped praying regularly. No one knew what was going on, at least I doubt that anyone did. Just chalk everything up to the fact that he is carrying 21 credits, working 20 hours a week, applying for medical school and attempting to have a social life. That is what everyone was thinking.

During medical school I again attempted to grow my relationship with God. I found an awesome AOG church which I still love to this day. AOG is part of the Pentecostal movement, I'm talking hands raised, dancing during worship, praise Jesus type of church. I loved being a part of this. I thought that this time my prayers would be answered, God would heal me, I could find a nice girl, get married, have kids and just do everything that I was supposed to do. It was during this time that I broke up with my last girlfriend, knowing that we weren't right for each other and would never get married even if I was straight.

God still hasn't "fixed me" and I hated him for that. I got back here after spending the first three years of medical school away and basically stopped going to church. Nothing to do with God for quite some time. I'm getting to the point now where I want to try again. Not to have God fix me, I think I'm finally coming to terms that there is nothing to fix, I'm just as God made me. I just feel like I'm missing something. I want to be part of a church where I can raise my hands during worship, where I can see everyone else truly enjoying the fact that they can come and worship.

The problem is that I was part of that for a long time and I know how they feel about gays. I worry that I will never be able to be a part of that again and I will forever have a part of me that feels empty. I have tried one or two of the more liberal churches, but something just doesn't feel right to me. It's not that there is anything wrong with the people there, but it's just not the same. I truly believe that God has saved me and that I will go to heaven, I am born again, but because I am gay it seems that I will never be accepted in the Pentecostal, evangelical circles that I spent so many years in.

I refuse to believe that I can't be a Christian an be gay. I refuse to believe that I can't be "saved" because I still lead a "sinful gay lifestyle". I refuse to believe that I will never find a church community to be part of. I refuse to believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am really not that emotional of a guy. I keep everything under control and have the typical "straight guy" demeanor. No matter how bravely I talk though, this issue has me a bit worried. Really, I think it makes me want to cry.

If I had more time. . .

I would love to be more involved in politics. I was listening to a debate on public radio today during my lunch break. I know, I'm a geek. I really don't listen all that much, but it is a decent station. The incumbent democrat was debating a previous republican US senator for a US house seat. I only caught half of it, but there were statements from both the I liked and some I didn't.

My roommate during my second year of med school was really into politics. He sparked my interest during the 2004 presidential election. We had lawn signs, bumper stickers and even buttons for our backpacks. It's crazy how wrapped up in everything you can get when you actually emotionally invest in something like that. The whole process was really quite exhilarating.

I am not sure that I can really ever see myself actually running for office of any sort, but I will definitely get involved at some point in time. It seems like a lot of people scoff at politics, but they influence our lives in may ways, some blatantly obvious and some in ways that are more inconspicuous.

I really don't have anything to say other than politics are interesting and someday I hope to be much more involved.

Just becuase I can

I saw this picture on another blog and think he's about perfect. I love the shirtless with jeans look. He has some nice definition but isn't too muscular. Perfect amount of nicely trimmed chest hair. Don't forget about those eyes. Damn.

They have arrived

Yesterday I was talking to one of my medical school buddies. He called to ask about my application status for residency. He had told me the week prior that his board scores were supposed to be in. He hadn't mentioned anything about them since then, so I asked last night. His response to me was, " It wasn't good, I don't want to talk about that." I was thinking, oh shit. I hadn't got my scores back yet and now wasn't looking forward to it. He didn't say if he actually passed or not, but either way it wasn't good. He had taken his boards about one week before I had, so I expected my scores to be in sometime this week.

This morning during a short break between patients I checked the boards website on my handheld. All scores from Step 2 boards taken on or before September 20th were now posted. I quickly shut off the handheld and went to see another patient. I didn't work up the courage to look at the site again until almost 1:00. I PASSED!!!!!!! The score wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be, but I scored above the 80th percentile on Step 1, so all I needed was a pass this time around. It was all I could do to keep from running around telling everyone in the Rheumatology clinic this afternoon.

I mentioned earlier that I finally submitted my application for residency last Thursday. My school finished uploading my transcript and letters of rec yesterday. Today I got my first request for an interview. There is something psychological about getting the first one out of the way. Now I can relax a bit and wait for a few more to come in. Even better is the fact that this first one is in the city where I live so I will at least have 1 shot at staying here.

1 down 14 to go. I am looking forward to traveling a bit for the rest of my potential interviews. The hard part will be deciding if I want to stay here or try a new city for three years or so. Wish me luck.

The weekend

On Saturday I took a 4 hour road trip with my mom to see one of my cousin's college football games. She had asked me if I was interested in going about a month ago and I thought that it would be fun. The trip went pretty well, even though they lost the game. It's been a good three years since I've been to a college football game, so it was a lot of fun to be at one again.

On the way home my mom decided to ask a few questions. One was about what I characteristics and qualities I was looking for in a girlfriend. I started to answer some general things like honesty, integrity, some sense of financial responsibility, sense of humor, etc. I could almost feel as though I was being to vague and that she wanted to say something. I decided to throw in how important it was to evaluate whether I thought that SHE would be a good mom. How HER relationship is with her close family, since my family is all really close. I felt bad having to lie that I thought my future would include someone of the opposite sex.

My mom commented that she was reading between the lines and was picking up that one of my important qualities was the ability to be a good mom. She asked if this meant that now I was planning on having kids. For the past couple years I've made the comment that I'm not sure if I will even get married - mostly jokingly - or so at least everyone thought. I had also said that I would never have kids. I suppose this was my way of maybe preparing my family for the fact that I wasn't going to have the beautiful wife, 2.2 kids, perfect house and everything else that you would expect. At least this time I didn't have to lie when I said that I wasn't sure if I wanted kids yet. That will have to wait I suppose until I find the right guy.

This conversation just made me realize that while I am not yet ready to let my family in on the fact that I am gay, I may just be getting closer to that day.

The Office

I love this show. It is definitely one of those shows where you are constantly thinking "I can't believe he just said that." Painfully funny is how I would describe it. My favorite line tonight comes as Michael is freaking out about a bird that is obviously dead in front of his building. Michael picks up the bird as Dwight yells at him to keep its bacteria infested body away from his head. Michael in turn replies, "You can't get diseases from birds!"

My roommate during the second year of medical school got me hooked on the original BBC series. That version is incredibly more crude and sexual, but still hilarious. It is definitely worth checking out either of the series.

I feel like an ass

I have a little problem.

A little over a month ago one of my buddies had an end of summer bash. Lots of people and a keg of Blue Moon. I had a little too much to drink which is actually something I almost never do. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually been drunk. Anyway, the crowd kept dwindling until there were maybe 5-6 of us left at the house. At about 2 am or so, the host decided to break out the Jose Cuervo and pass it around. First of all, straight tequila burns like nothing else. Second, tequila on top of an almost drained keg is a bit much. Somehow I ended up thinking that not wearing pants would be fun. I stand up to get of the couch and next thing I know, I'm naked. Leave it to your friends to yank off your boxers. Anyway, that's not exactly the point I am getting to.

We decided it would be a grand idea to go to Perkins at 3 am. Six of us in a smallish four door was a stretch but we made it work. I was sitting in the back with 3 other guys. 2 of the girls rode in front, the 3rd laid on our laps in the back. Somehow, I don't know how this started - I sure the hell didn't initiate it - but I ended up making out with this girl on the trip to Perkins. To make matters worse we ended up being stuck at the railroad tracks waiting on a train for a good 5 minutes. Yeah, drunken gay guy making out with a girl in the backseat of a car while in the presence of 4 others. Speaking of being drunk, I'm still mildly impressed with myself that I was able to be drunk and not do anything stupid like hit on the guy that stayed the entire night who I thought was cute.

The problem is that this group of friends does not know that I am gay. I really am still in the closet save for my roommate. This girl lives with my buddy and his wife right now, which means that we have hung out a few times. She calls occasionally just to chat. Now there are plans to go to a college hockey game in a city a couple hours away. It would be just the 4 of us. I would really like to go but I am worried about leading this girl on. She has no idea that I am gay and I'm not ready to come out to my friends yet. I'm pretty sure that this girl has feelings for me and I do not want to hurt her at all. I've come to like her in the short time we've known each other, but I know that things will get awkward.

You would think I would know better how to handle this. I haven't had a single close or relatively close female friend who hasn't had feelings for me at one time or another. It used to be that I could just start dating a girl, or point out that I had a girlfriend if she didn't know and that was the end of it. I can't really do that now since I obviously do not have a girlfriend.

Damn it. Sometimes I think that alcohol is evil and swear that I am going to become a teetotaler.

Where will I end up?

I just submitted by ERAS application. That is the Electronic Residency Application Service, it's what is used to apply for residency. So far I have programs in Chicago, Scottsdale AZ, Rochester MN, Minneapolis, Boston, Seattle, Portland ME, and New York City. I will probably add a few more in the next day or two, I just need to do some more research into the programs first. It's a huge relief to finally have this done. Now I just get to wait for interview requests. The fun never ends!

Part of me really wants to stay here in the midwest. The vast majority of my family and friends are right here. I grew up here and have spent the past 3 years away for medical school. I finally made it back for the 4th and final year. Part of me also thinks that this would be the perfect time to go someplace else. I'm single so I have no committments keeping me here. The only problem is randomly moving someplace else knowing that I will be there for at least 3 years. That makes the move just a little distressing. I also have to take into consideration that some areas will be more gay friendly than others. I don't want to end up in some rural area as a single gay man. I'm not going to have that much free time, but when I do have some, I want to be able to actually do something. Portland and Rochester are the only cities that I can see having any trouble with at the moment.

I'm really pretty excited for this entire process. Even if I don't end up at these places for residency, hopefully I'll at least get interviews there. At a minimum I'll get to visit a few cities I haven't been to yet.

Crush

So, I know that there is nothing unique about having a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal. You have to admit though, he is pretty damn hot. Here are a few of my favorites.

Running

Running is really a pretty important part of my life. I began long distance running before 8th grade by entering fun runs during the summer. Cross country began in 8th grade and continued all through high school. I am truly a sprinter at heart though. Track consisted of me running 200 meters and 400 meters. My favorite race of all time was the 4 x 400 meter relay which I anchored my senior year. There is just something about running as fast as you can the entire length of the track. As crazy as it sounds, having the wobbly leg, barely able to stand feeling is really quite amazing. You knew that you had left everything on the track.

I've gone through phases of running since then. During undergrad I would run pretty much only if I had someone to run along with me. It was more social than anything else. During medical school it has become more about me. It's the perfect time to unwind after a stressful day. It also gives me a chance to think random stuff. Important stuff like boys of course!

Earlier this year I was running quite a bit more than I had in quite some time. I was running 7 miles a day 5-6 days per week. That of course seemed to stop almost instantaneously when I began my general surgery rotation. I've haven't been able to get back to that level of training. I'm going to work on it though. Just a bit over a week ago my city had it's annual marathon. It is definitely something I want to try again. I ran one about 10 years ago and swore that I would never do it again. I of course use the term "ran" very loosely. I think I finished in about5 hours. It's amazing how the pain of an experience like that will fade with time and make you think that it couldn't really have been all that bad. The plan is to get motivated this winter and be ready to run one again in the middle of June. That should work out well. Not only is it the same marathon I ran 10 years ago, but it is before residency begins the end of June.

It's hard to describe what it feels like to run on a consistent basis. I've found that I can actually sleep less and feel more energized when I run regularly. The cardiovascular benefits are amazing, especially for someone like me who doesn't have the best family history in the cardiac sense. Regular cardiovascular exercise is actually one of the few things that will raise your HDL, or good cholesterol. Sorry for flipping into doctor mode, it just comes naturally on occasion.

I guess my point is that I really can't imagine life without my favorite pair of running shoes. ASICS by the way.

Stranded no longer

Hertz to the rescue! It's quite a shock to go from driving an SUV to a tiny Kia, but it does get the job done. I was standing at the Hertz counter waiting for my car while contemplating what might be going through the agent's head when he asks "Are you going on a trip?" and I reply, "No, I was in an accident this morning and need a car." I'm no more likely to be in an accident again then I was before, but I can't help but wonder if they ever think that all these people who rent cars after accidents are just ticking time bombs.

Accident

What a way to start this blog. I was on my way to the clinic this morning driving on one of the freeways. I'm less than 5 minutes away from the clinic when the driver in front of me slams on her brakes prompting me to do the same. Apparently my reflexes were not up to the challenge and I rear-ended the Ford Superduty. Luckily it was only the two of us. Unfortunately she had a hitch on her truck leaving relatively sparse damage to her vehichle while simultaneously demolishing my front end. Smoke and coolant is never something you want to see from your truck. My Durango is now sitting downtown at the towing company's garage awaiting inspection by the insurance adjuster.

Next problem is attempting go about 15 miles back home. I didn't want to bother any of my friends who where all at work, so I decided to try public transit. Now, the last time I was on a bus in this city was about 7 years ago as a freshman in college (freshman don't get cars) when I wanted to visit some friends at the U and had to take the bus to get there. I don't know a dang thing about which busses go where. Two hours later I have made it home only to field additional calls from insurance agents.

I can't decide what I want to come of this situation. Part of me wants the vechicle to be totaled out so I can get something different. The more logical part says the Durango is only a 99 and should have a few more years left in her. Hopefully at least until I actually have an income next year. So, I guess I'll get my rental car, wait for the adjuster to call me and then go from there.

In the immediate future I believe I need to go for a run. It's a beautiful fall day, which incidently is my favorite season in this wonderful state, and I need to work off some pent up energy.